Friday, March 31, 2017

#WeComeFromEverything: no.16

RGV poets


“Because We Come from Everything: Poetry &Migration” is the first public offering of the newly formed Poetry Coalition—twenty-two organizations dedicated to working together to promote the value poets bring to our culture and communities, as well as the important contributions poetry makes in the lives of people of all ages and backgrounds. 

During the month of March, coalition members CantoMundo and Letras Latinas are partnering to present guest posts by CM fellows at Letras Latinas Blog that will include essays, creative non-fiction, micro reviews and dialogues between writers. This year’s theme borrows a line from U.S. Poet Laureate Juan Felipe Herrera’s poem, “Borderbus.” Please return to this space and enjoy all the pieces in the series, and leave comments to participate in the dialogue.

Barbara Curiel, CantoMundo
Francisco Aragón, Letras Latinas 
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This Feels Similar to Something I Wrote About Eight Years Ago[1]
(but maybe now more people care about border walls)

by Emmy Pérez

Amid post-election talk about the need for more poetry of resistance, many of us writers of color acknowledge that we have always been writing as resistance. I would like to add that even when we are writing about our existence, it is an act of resistance.

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We live in a country where many squirm when a minimal amount of Spanish is used, even when a word has no English translation, like the bird chachalaca (Nahuatl~Spanish), or more commonly when we pronounce our last names correctly outside of the borderlands.

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“I don’t speak Mexican,” the seven-year-old says to the four-year-old, mimicking the parent who said this to an adult.

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Two presidents ago, construction of 18-foot steel border walls and concrete “levee”-walls began here in the Rio Grande Valley, Tejas, and continued into one president ago.

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The Secure Fence Act of 2006. My definition of a fence: a thing that when climbed, a kid’s adventure, gives a bit. These walls don’t bend.

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Ten years later, campaign promises to build “a” wall (as if there are none) frenzied enough eager folks. The infamous cheerleading chant an order. The chant doesn’t promise they’ll actually do the physical labor or pay for it.

On the flip side, more folks are now concerned… because the words hurt, or if not hurt, provoke. More now that we’re in the first hundred days.

Hurtful and provocative language has made, to many, the idea of walls and the possibility of more walls (and taller ones), more real than our existing ones to them. We know it’s not only about walls. We also know that borderlands communities are going to have to live (continue living) with the physical ones.

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In my poem “Río Grande~Bravo,” I call a wall built here eight years ago the “concrete abstraction in front of my face.”

Existing walls are out of sight, out of mind for many, even those who would hate them, like nuclear weapons and dangerous pipelines.

Most who want these walls will never touch them in satisfaction. And most who don’t want the walls won’t touch them in anger or sadness.

Or maybe, they will become a thing, a tourist attraction, like the satirical “Great Wall of Mexico” poem written by Ricky Tijerina two presidential terms ago, a piece he performed as a graduate student in a top hat like a circus-vaudeville announcer.

Without assigned seating, how have we and do we pick our seats?

Will we speak more openly now about the virtual or less visible walls, micro?

*

Actual wall building: big money for contractors and entities bidding for the job as if carrying out the will of god. (Or, “nothing personal… just business.”)

Many workers have hungry mouths to feed: “They are making our people build it, to keep our people out.”[2]

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Post-election: the national media attempts to tell the RGV’s untold stories. Still, the whole community’s voice feels silent beyond our own local sensibilities, though the stresses are many.

Children here and everywhere are afraid their parents will not be home when they return from school.

Pick up the daily paper and witness plans to defund X, Y, Z, A, B, C… decrease taxes for the wealthy, increase military and wall (military) spending.

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Campaign promise like the words of an Old Testament god. Fear it. Take it. Sacrifice, knowing some will die.

For what? No promise of a true heaven, even for the wealthiest elected and appointed officials, performing morality about who deserves to live (well) and die (sooner).

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Activists spend their hearts and lives. The unsung sheroes/hero~ines. Thank you. You are hope.

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Sometimes, after he’d raged and puffed up his chest, that OT god would decide: you don’t have to kill your own child after all.

If Congress doesn’t come through with the billions, maybe we’ll have, at least on this issue, a “loving” patriarch who reveals our final hope (as in lottery-ticket-lucky-feelings hope) by saying: I didn’t mean a literal wall.

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Someday, the once loudest-mouthed border walls will emit no sound, except to those “still possess[ing] the need to cross”[3] them, except to borderlands residents unwilling to grow numb to them, who have allowed for the experience of loss amid numerous other losses. Except to those everywhere unwilling to forget the walls exist.

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“Some people say it will lull you / to sleep” writes Lucinda Zamora-Wiley in a 2009 border wall poem.[4] “Comfort food / that makes your soul feel at ease— / those Mexicans won’t be climbing / that wall—zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.”

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(I’m willing to beg: if more walls are built, please don’t ever forget they exist. We know we exist. We don’t need wall supporters to know we exist. We need them to not order walls built where we exist.)

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2008-2009: I cried watching the construction trucks. How do you raise children in this hate? I thought. I had no children at the time. Most everyone’s ancestors in the RGV are from México. Mine too. Regardless. How?

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Amalia Ortiz asks “… how to ignore a wall?” in a poem by the same name. The poem calls out some of the local and global apathy: “Try risking nothing” and “Look anywhere, but do not make direct eye contact  / with the wall.”

The work calls upon writers, including Latinx writers: “Tell yourself the only good art is esoteric and / consider yourself part of the elite.” “And then when injustices do occur, avoid / them too. Tell yourself Trayvon has nothing / to do with a wall…”[5]

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How to hide walls? Place some in people’s backyards. Call others “levee-walls” and make the tallest, exposed concrete sides face México. Don’t tell children the truth.

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When the four-year-old first learned about the walls, and the plans for more, they said, “but everything will die! The grass, the plants, the river…” The child was not prompted to say this. “Who did this?” the child demanded. “Why?”

Even small children know what justice is before even knowing that people crossing will face the same dangers.

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Anti-wall activists make things happen, and will not give up. They need more support. I will never stop thanking them. For giving us hope.

There is hope in the poets, too, in their refusal to accept what has been imposed, historically, and currently.

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“Not a person, no.
You, border lands
You, home, you bloodied me,
swallowed me, made me”[6]
                                                            -Noemi Martinez

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I’d like to propose that more poets and readers, including Latinx poets and readers, might lend their ears to more borderlands poets from the RGV[7], the birthplace of Gloria Anzaldúa and Américo Paredes, en la “herida abierta” where they were raised, where the communities are quite alive and among the most militarized.

While some in the literary establishment (and those who internalize or work within its values) are trying to catch a “poetry of resistance” wave in response to the recent election, I wonder when the larger literary establishment will be ready for the whole truth of our poetry.

*

Several RGV poets have won book prizes, achieved various markers of literary acclaim, and are Macondo Writers’ Workshop members and/or CantoMundo fellows (Rosebud Ben-Oni, ire’ne lara silva, my near tocaya Emily Pérez, Octavio Quintanilla, and Vanessa Angelica Villareal are all CantoMundo & RGV poets who live in other regions now).

Many RGV poets write in more than one language, or only in Spanish, with lyric power, and directness. Thank goodness for spoken word borderland poetry, such as the dynamic poetry of Amalia Ortiz, author of Rant. Chant. Chisme. published by Wings Press (she has another, Canción Cannibal Cabaret, in the works) and Veronica “Lady Mariposa” Sandoval, whose first poetry book is forthcoming from FlowerSong Books, an imprint of VAO Publishing, a local press founded by poet and writer David Bowles.

The poem quoted earlier by Lucinda Zamora-Wiley was published in Gallery student magazine in 2009 when she was an MFA student… somewhere else ought to feature it too.

RGV poets are also publishing in high profile venues: José Antonio Rodríguez, the author of three books, has a poem forthcoming in The New Yorker and prize-winning poet Rodney Gomez has recently published in Poetry magazine. All of their books and chapbooks are excellent.

Also check out books by local presses: Noemi Martinez’s South Texas Experience: Love Letters (Hermana Resist Press), Erika Garza-Johnson’s Unwoven (FlowerSong Books), Edward Vidaurre’s Chicano Blood Transfusion (FlowerSong Books). Or pick up a copy of the anthology Lost: Children of the River published by the Raving Press, and edited by Gabriel H. Sánchez and Isaac Chavarria. There are more.

The Rio Grande Valley International Poetry Festival (VIPF) is now in its 10th year of existence. FEIPOL (Festival Internacional de Poesía Latinoamericana) is planning its second international poetry festival. Pasta, Poetry, and Vino is another popular reading series. Lots more going on in the community and at the university too. We are here.
 RGV poets

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Sometimes a few Latina/o/x students dabbling in creative writing worry if their work is “universal” enough, avoiding, in some cases, the painful and sometimes shameful idea of home in the borderlands. This happens often to students of color not provided with opportunities to study their histories and literature in their K-12 educations, or in college unless they seek out specialized courses or later set out on their own reading and experiential path. Resistance to writing about home is an important part of the process. There is always hope for decolonial healing in the future, and not only in writing about home.

The most active poets and writers who live(d) in the RGV write about their homes (this one and others) directly, imaginatively, with lots of love, even when they are critical of or complicating any definitions of home. We are planning a project to make this work more widely known. Most RGV poetry is hard earned for the poets and essential reading for the world.

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Emmy Pérez is the author of With the River on Our Face (University of Arizona Press). She is also the author of Solstice (Swan Scythe Press). She has lived along the Texas-Mexico borderlands, from El Paso to the Rio Grande Valley, for over 16 years. She is a recipient of a 2017 NEA poetry fellowship and teaches creative writing and Mexican American Studies courses.



[1] My lyric essay “Healing and the Poetic line” (in the anthology A Broken Thing: Poets on the Line, University of Iowa Press 2011) was written simultaneously with my poem “Río Grande~Bravo” (With the River on Our Face, University of Arizona Press 2016).
[2] Emi Z. as quoted in the above publication
[3] see #1
[4] “Seeing Through It: Reflection on the Border Wall” by Lucinda Zamora-Wiley in Gallery magazine, University of Texas Pan American, 2009.
[5] Rant. Chant. Chisme by Amalia Ortiz, Wings Press 2015.
[6] South Texas Experience: Love Letters, by Noemi Martinez, Hermana Resist Press 2016.
[7] A brief list of some Chicanx/Tejanx/Latinx RGV poets (raised here and/or live(d) here) with books and/or other literary accolades: Elvia Ardalani, Amado Balderas, Nayelly Barrios, Rosebud Ben-Oni, David Bowles, Christopher Carmona, Isaac Chavarria, Julieta Corpus, César de León, Lauren Espinoza, Anel Flores, Odilia Galván Rodríguez, Daniel García Ordaz, Erika Garza-Johnson, Rodney Gomez, M. Miriam Herrera, Meliton Hinojosa, ire’ne lara silva, Rossy Evelin Lima, Noemi Martinez, Brenda Nettles Riojas, José Antonio Rodríguez, Edna Ochoa, Octavio Quintanilla, Gabriel H. Sánchez, Veronica “Lady Mariposa” Sandoval, Verónica Solís, Lina Suarez, Edward Vidaurre, Vanessa Angelica Villarreal. Also my near tocaya Emily Pérez and me. There are many more I may have missed or who haven’t published much yet that I’d love to list, but that is part two someday.

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

#WeComeFromEverything: no. 15

“Because We Come from Everything: Poetry &Migration” is the first public offering of the newly formed Poetry Coalition—twenty-two organizations dedicated to working together to promote the value poets bring to our culture and communities, as well as the important contributions poetry makes in the lives of people of all ages and backgrounds. 

During the month of March, coalition members CantoMundo and Letras Latinas are partnering to present guest posts by CM fellows at Letras Latinas Blog that will include essays, creative non-fiction, micro reviews and dialogues between writers. This year’s theme borrows a line from U.S. Poet Laureate Juan Felipe Herrera’s poem, “Borderbus.” Please return to this space and enjoy all the pieces in the series, and leave comments to participate in the dialogue.

Barbara Curiel, CantoMundo
Francisco Aragón, Letras Latinas 

Because We Come From Everything

by Michael Torres

It has to be mapped. Here and now. Right here and right now because my homie Miguel once said to me, you have to write about us, so they know who we are. And he was talking about my poetry so I marked up where we were from in my mind. And now I keep thinking: they have to know we come from fathers who come from far places we can’t pronounce. That we come from the chipped paint on garage doors we lifted to practice breakdancing. Our worm. Our windmill. I have to say, we come from running past a front door swelling before a washroom carpeted with newspaper pages trying to hold the rainwater because it doesn’t usually pour like this. We come from 5 o’clock fathers. Quiet fathers. Out-trimming-the-trees-on-Saturday fathers. We come from their Spanish laughter over the fence, talking to the men who are our best friends’ uncles. We come from those men too, their teeth stained and streaked from Marlboros, their hands smoky and rough like snapped branches when they shake ours and tell us to speak to them in Spanish, calling us cabrones when we can’t. We come from the sawdust of dreams, the broken toolshed doors we ran away from, hoping not to get caught. From the empty 2-liters and aluminum cans collected next to the chicken coop so we could have a makeshift bowling game. We come from the stray dogs we whistled for and took in, filling our cupped hands with hose water for them. We come from the Disney names we gave them—Nala, Balto, Copper. We come from commands of not to cross the street, ever. But also: cross the street and drop off the movie at the video store. We come from Our Sons Plaza on the corner of Reservoir Blvd., where we ate at Tom’s Burgers #18 and waited for the waitresses, who we were really, I swear, just about to ask out before their boyfriends came to pick them up after work. We come from cuss words that got us into shit the quickest. We come from parking lot fights that someone, we don’t know how, got a VHS tape of, and who plays it every time the homies come through after it’s been a long damn time. We come from our first cars—a bucket Toyota hatchback with no A/C or power steering that overheated on the 60 fwy but still got us there. We come from flattened ketchup packets on the blacktop and a homeless man telling us he’s going to be honest, that he just wants the dollar for a beer. We come from not knowing any better and everyone telling us we should’ve known better. We come from school, even when we didn’t want to. Except for when we really didn’t want to, then we came from the ditching party at Bloom’s where we smoked bud for the first time and came home driving stupid, stopping so many yards before the STOP sign. We come from the police radio scanner one of our father’s owned and used to tell us when to get the fuck out of wherever we shouldn’t have been in the first place. We come from fathers, even when they didn’t say much but left us to learn in the streets. Even if they weren’t there, we come from fathers. We come from church on Sundays, barely—our mothers telling us we could choose to attend or not once we turned 18. We come from our mothers but don’t like to disappoint them so we come from our fathers most of the time. We come from magnified manhood, from not giving a fuck even if we did, from being down for whatever, even when we weren’t. We come from Mexico because we call our grandparents abuelo y abuela even if that’s the only Spanish we got. We come from ranchers and curanderas and brujas and they-always-wanted-to-be musicians. We come from fathers raised by their tias, like in the black & white I have of mine. He is a boy still, maybe three. Standing on a chair so his head meets her shoulder. They hold hands and stare at the camera, serious like all old-timey photos—the weight of history never letting any of us smile. My father is holding a bucket where a tiny sailboat is painted on, making its way around the world.


Michael Torres is a CantoMundo fellow, born and brought up in Pomona, California where he spent his adolescence as a graffiti artist. His work has appeared or is forthcoming in Green Mountains Review, Huizache, Tinderbox, and cream city review among others. He has been awarded grants from the Minnesota State Arts Board and the Jerome Foundation. Torres is a 2016-17 winner of the Loft Mentor Series and the 2017 CantoMundo Distinguished Fellow for the Palm Beach Poetry Festival. Currently, he resides in Mankato, Minnesota where he teaches creative writing and hosts art workshops for homeless youth at the Reach drop-in center through Good Thunder Reading Series Community Outreach.

Monday, March 27, 2017

#WeComeFromEverything: no. 14

  “Because We Come from Everything: Poetry &Migration” is the first public offering of the newly formed Poetry Coalition—twenty-two organizations dedicated to working together to promote the value poets bring to our culture and communities, as well as the important contributions poetry makes in the lives of people of all ages and backgrounds. 

During the month of March, coalition members CantoMundo and Letras Latinas are partnering to present guest posts by CM fellows at Letras Latinas Blog that will include essays, creative non-fiction, micro reviews and dialogues between writers. This year’s theme borrows a line from U.S. Poet Laureate Juan Felipe Herrera’s poem, “Borderbus.” Please return to this space and enjoy all the pieces in the series, and leave comments to participate in the dialogue.

Barbara Curiel, CantoMundo
Francisco Aragón, Letras Latinas 

Migration Memory


by Juan J. Morales

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My parents went to Spanish services at a church near the corner of Conejos and Colorado Avenue in Colorado Springs when they first met. Mom described living in her sister’s basement  with my brother and sister, and my father talked about his house near Ft. Carson. In the version I knew, they married after knowing each other three weeks. In their wedding photo, they toast in my aunt’s kitchen with plastic champagne glasses in front of the cake that my mom made. They’re smiling, mom in her pink dress and my father in a brown plaid suit. When I ask my mom if this is true, she laughs, “Of course not. It was longer than that.” With their 38th anniversary approaching, I’m left asking where did I get the three-week version of their story?


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My mother was twenty when she left Ecuador. She spent a decade in Panama and then moved my brother and sister to Colorado. She sorted microchips for a computer company for minimum wage, shredding up her hands every day. Mom spent little and saved for the three of them. She understates her winding path to US citizenship, similar to so many other hard workers that add to our countrys rich tapestry by stepping past invisible borders we’re not supposed to cross. During our last family visit to Ecuador, we went to la línea equinoccial, the monument to the Equator, where we stood in the northern and southern hemispheres at the same time. We took photos crossing back and forth and then balanced on the yellow line. It cost around $3 to enter the monument, but at least you can cross it without consequence.


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My father enlisted in the US Army at 17 or 18, knowing full well he’d fight in Korea. It was 1952 when he left Puerto Rico. My father didn’t speak English yet. In the three decades he served, dad earned two Purple Hearts (one for a grenade that temporarily paralyzed him and a bullet clean through the shoulder). He rose to the rank of Sargent Major and traveled the world until stationed in Colorado Springs, where he eventually retired.
            My mistake whenever I tell my father’s story: I claim the military as my fathers pathway to citizenship, waking up to the fact he was a US citizen all along. I omit Puerto Rico as the US commonwealth in the Caribbean, the ambiguous island that isnt a state or an independent country. Just like his home island, my father had to work harder to learn and to speak the right language, and he had to suffer most of his adult life to prove that the effects of PTSD and Agent Orange were real. He still never complains. There is guilt I didn’t make these connections sooner, but I have always been proud of his sacrifices. I see it in his beat-up black hat with the Korea and Vietnam Veteran patch. Soldiers in uniform always look at his hat and then thank my dad for his service whenever they see him in public.


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I was born in Iowa City, Iowa. My mom mentions a memory of how tall the corn grew. And that’s about it. We don’t have connections there, beyond my father rooting for the Hawkeyes and my mother telling me the hospital’s name there was Mercy. Instead of the Midwest, I gravitate toward my parents’ migration stories and what places they call home. Sometimes the gaps in my parentsstories defeat me. I cant keep the dates right. The math doesnt add up to a cogent timeline. My want is to braid the two stories and to avoid losing a single strand of them, which cannot be done. Some stories mom and dad just cant remember. Some questions they wont answer. Others I dont know to ask yet. I try to get out of the way and let their stories unfold again, the way that I heard them over the years, accepting the unavoidable memory fog that wraps around us all. 

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Juan Morales was born in the U.S. to an Ecuadorian mother and a Puerto Rican father. He is the author of the poetry collections The Siren World, Friday and the Year That Followed, and the forthcoming, The Handyman's Guide to End Times in early 2018. He is a CantoMundo Fellow, The Editor of Pilgrimage Magazine, and an Associate Professor of English at Colorado State University-Pueblo, where he directs the Creative Writing Program and curates the SoCo Reading Series. His poems have recently appeared in Pank, Post Road, The Malpais Review, Green Mountains Review, Terrain.org, and others.
 

Saturday, March 25, 2017

#WeComeFromEverything: no.13

“Because We Come from Everything: Poetry &Migration” is the first public offering of the newly formed Poetry Coalition—twenty-two organizations dedicated to working together to promote the value poets bring to our culture and communities, as well as the important contributions poetry makes in the lives of people of all ages and backgrounds. 

During the month of March, coalition members CantoMundo and Letras Latinas are partnering to present guest posts by CM fellows at Letras Latinas Blog that will include essays, creative non-fiction, micro reviews and dialogues between writers. This year’s theme borrows a line from U.S. Poet Laureate Juan Felipe Herrera’s poem, “Borderbus.” Please return to this space and enjoy all the pieces in the series, and leave comments to participate in the dialogue.

Barbara Curiel, CantoMundo
Francisco Aragón, Letras Latinas 
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Micro-review: Verónica Reyes, Chopper! Chopper! Poetry from Bordered Lives, Arktoi Books/Red Hen Press, 2013

by Sheryl Luna


The poem “Los Angeles River—Rio Grande: brown speckled mirrors” by Verónica Reyes in Chopper! Chopper! Poetry From Bordered Lives (Arktoi Books/ Red Hen Press)  opens beneath the old Juárez El Paso International Puente. The Río Grande river runs below is described as being strangled. Politics, we are told, “lace the bordered fortress dividing tierra y familias.” It migrates between Spanish and English, between cultures, between time and between places.

The poem then moves to Los Angeles, which the speaker says is a reflection of the Río Bravo. The stanza focuses on the smog, sewage and dirt of the city which is used to indicate the corruption of the land. It too struggles. The Los Angeles river

            Trails down a 1930’s gringo-made route cutting the canela dirt.
            Patchwork of yellow chaparral and desert line in the brown agua.

Much of the poem is spent reflecting on the Mexican people who lived in California long before it became part of the United States.

            They say California was once México living in Aztlán:
            The Anasazi, the Ventura people, la Mexica existed here.
            On this arid land, this State, there lived many nations.
            They were a living part of the living blue seacoast:

                        in a dream, seashells were money, half a mussel was a spoon.
                        the acorn source of a stable diet, women crushed them

This along with earlier images of tossed garbage cans, black tires, wobbling signs, murky canal water, red-brown children fill the poem with a longing for the past before the border was drawn.

The speaker asks three times whether or not this was or is a dream.

            Was it a dream that the earth lived and breathed
            blue skies so freely?

Towards the end of the poem, there is a man at the edge of the concrete bordering the water. We are back in the Río Grande.

            In the Zacatecas, Jalisco, Sonora, he left his familia,
            His daughter waits for him by the puerta.
            Her mother tells her, “Papi will be back soon.”
            And the heavy sun settles itself beneath Tonantzín

            . . .

            Este hombre could be my tío, mi papa, my brother


It is also a migration between two languages and two cultures with the speaker taking the #30 bus down to el Centro, crossing over to la Primavera Street puente from Boyle Heights to Broadway avenue. She is all the while traversing the Río Grande, as well as L.A. in her imagination.

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Sheryl Luna is the author of Pity the Drowned Horses (University of Notre Dame Press), recipient of the Andres Montoya Poetry Prize and Seven (3: A Taos Press), finalist for the Colorado Book Award.  Recent work has appeared in Poetry, Saranac Review, Pilgrimage and Taos International Journal of Poetry and Art.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

#WeComeFromEverything: no. 12


“Because We Come from Everything: Poetry &Migration” is the first public offering of the newly formed Poetry Coalition—twenty-two organizations dedicated to working together to promote the value poets bring to our culture and communities, as well as the important contributions poetry makes in the lives of people of all ages and backgrounds. 

During the month of March, coalition members CantoMundo and Letras Latinas are partnering to present guest posts by CM fellows at Letras Latinas Blog that will include essays, creative non-fiction, micro reviews and dialogues between writers. This year’s theme borrows a line from U.S. Poet Laureate Juan Felipe Herrera’s poem, “Borderbus.” Please return to this space and enjoy all the pieces in the series, and leave comments to participate in the dialogue.


Barbara Curiel, CantoMundo
Francisco Aragón, Letras Latinas 
 


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NOTES ON THE PHENOMENOLOGY OF THE MEXICAN BORDER

by Cynthia Cruz



Borders are set up to define the places that are safe and unsafe, to distinguish us from them. A border is a dividing line, a narrow strip along a steep edge. A borderland  is a vague and undetermined place created by the emotional residue of an unnatural boundary. It is in a constant state of transition. The prohibited and forbidden are its inhabitants. Los atravesados live here: the squint-eyes, the perverse, the queer, the troublesome, the mongrel, the mulato, the half-breed, the half dead; in short, those who cross over, pass over, or go through the confines of the “normal.”
                                                  ——Gloria Anzaldua, Borderlands/La Frontera



I read of a young girl who, after making her way through Mexico and crossing the US-Mexican border arrived speechless. The female worker assigned her case was unable to gather any information from the girl—who was visibly traumatized and clearly rendered mute from her travels.

Something happened during her exodus, the act of abandoning her home and traveling to safety to the US—something so traumatic she lost the ability to speak.

*

The girl was Mexican only when she arrived on the border. Before that, she was a girl. A girl who lived in Mexico. She became this something else when she arrived in the US, as she entered its threshold. As Judith Butler writes, as Fanon and Louis Althusser write, her becoming this other entity is the result of having being called into it. When she arrived at the border, she became Mexican, an immigrant, a refugee, a criminal. These are what the white border patrol or police person or white civilians called her and call her; and so it is what she becomes, what she became. Who she is now.

The border is a phantasm, a mirage imagined and then formed, made, upon this imagining. Those who attempt to find safety by passing through become something and someone else when they do.

*

Borders are unnatural, they are man-made; artificial and a means to separate those in power from those outside of it. The word border originated from the Old French bordure, which means ”seam, edge of a shield, border.” A border is a “rip,” it is a “seam.”

A  border is a distinct act of violence.

*

I want to talk now of the body and what happens to one’s body when one finds one’s self not at home in the world. In Sara Ahmed’s brilliant text Queer Phenomenology: Orientations, Objects, Others, she writes: “Phenomenology helps us to explore how bodies are shaped by histories, which they perform in their compartment, their posture, and their gestures.” History and trauma are inexplicably linked: when one does not feel at home in the world, one holds back, hesitates. Furthermore, when one has become “Other” by others they are surrounded by, this is doubly so. Like being bullied in school, being seen and named as less than because one has come from someplace else, because one does not look like everyone else, does not speak or move like everyone else—this informs and changes one’s self and one’s body which, in turn, changes the way we move in the world. We take up less space, speak less, we overcompensate.

*

How do boundaries, which are artificial and a means of delineating who is allowed into the system and who is not, inform the way one is able or un-able to move in such a world.

And how does one carry this border or boundary within one’s self? This knowing that one is always Other, always even when one makes one’s way into and through this boundary, never fully absorbed? Always, always on the outside of this boundary which does not stop at the border, but is carried and reaffirmed in a multiplicity of ways within the boundaries of the United States.

In other words, even when we cross through and into, we never fully enter. We are always outside.

*

My own experience is this: I am the daughter of a Mexican-American, a man whose family came to the United States from Mexico, a man who was not able to complete grammar school due to his having to work in the fields—

My father does not exist. Though he has lived in the United States his entire life, he is invisible.

He is silent. He is framed and contained by a system not interested in him. And the way this presents in his day to day life is via access to institutions and means of earning a living.

It is not true, what he told me and what his parents told him, that if you work hard enough, you will move out of the class you were born into. It is not true there are no class systems in the United States of America. Class is a boundary, a border; it keeps people in their place. And the ideology that if one works hard enough, one can move up and out of their class, is a means to silence those in this space. Ambition and striving as a means to keep one’s mind and body busy while one is working multiple jobs and not moving forward at all. As long as one believes that if one just works hard enough, they will move up (and if they don't move up, it’s their own fault), one will not notice that one’s entire life has passed by.

My father has worked his entire life. My father lives in poverty.

*

When I was working as a nanny in the Hamptons one summer my boss, the father of the small child I nannied, asked me one evening, after I had finished my dinner at a separate table in a separate room from the family, “How do you end up with the name Cruz?”

It was not until he asked me the question that I became aware how much my name and what it meant had troubled him; how, I realized when he asked the question, that it had been bothering him since he hired me.

My name and where I come from arrives before me even before I speak; I am positioned, who I am and my body, are kept within that space.

*

To lose one’s voice when confronted with a border, with a boundary, with power that does not want you to enter—this is what I am attempting to address here. But words, as always, fail me.

*

What does it mean to lose one’s voice?

When I was a small child I did not speak. Perhaps there was something I was not able or unwilling to articulate or maybe my not-saying was in itself a kind of saying, its own strange language. 

And how does not speaking, a not-speaking that may in fact be the direct result of the trauma of coming upon a border, of experiencing not being at home, create its own border, its own threshold?

And how might this self-formed boundary, this threshold, serve as a form of resistance?

For my father and for my family, assimilation was the aim as it is for many immigrants. And yet, it has proved impossible; full immersion, impenetrable. We won’t be digested—we can enter, if we enter, but then we remain, still, outside. Remnant, dreg, excess.

*

And finally, I have to address the obvious: the very fact that I am living and surviving in this culture means I am a part of it; I am, in a sense, assimilated. Also, though not middle-class, I am also not without a place to live, I am not without work (adjunct and seasonal and yet—work).

That I have enough food to eat and clothes on my body, that I am not in immediate danger of my life, for my security, of deportation—presumes a kind of integration that I must acknowledge.

And yet what I am speaking of here is a way that one can remain outside of, even inside, the borders. This is what I am speaking of—when I think of my father who worked full time and often several jobs at once, and yet never had a savings, never owned a home, is peripheral. He did not leave a mark where he went. This is what I mean—a kind of tracelessness, a silence that is the result of years of being on the other side of gates and borders, counters and desks—always on the other side of power and institutions, access—and a way of moving one’s body through space—knowing that one belongs, that one’s body belongs in the space.

*

To be not at home, to be not at home in a space that will not, cannot, absorb one, is to be disoriented, to be lost, in a way. But also, this losing, this being not at home-ness, creates a stronger, perhaps, other, sense of knowing.

What happens when one loses one’s sight is that one’s sense of smell and hearing and touch become more sensitive—and in a way, one becomes more animal in the way that animals trust what they smell and hear, what their bodies sense, more than what they see. Intuitive, perceptive, disoriented but oriented in a new, strange way, what Gloria Anzaldua calls La facultad:

     La facultad is the capacity to see in surface phenomena the meaning 
     of deeper realities, to see the deep structure below the surface. It is an 
     instant “sensing,” a quick perception arrived at without conscious reasoning. 
     It is an acute awareness mediated by the part of the psyche that does not 
     speak, that communicates in images and symbols which are the faces 
     of feelings, that is, behind which feelings reside/hide. The one 
     possessing this sensitivity is excruciatingly alive to the world


Cynthia Cruz is the author of four collections of poetry: Ruin (2006), The Glimmering Room (2012), Wunderkammer (2014), and How the End Begins (2016). Her fifth collection of poems, Dregs, is forthcoming in 2018 along with a collection of essays,  Notes Toward a New Language,exploring silence and marginalization. Cruz has received fellowships from Yaddo and the MacDowell Colony as well as a Hodder Fellowship from Princeton University. She has an MFA from Sarah Lawrence College in writing and an MFA in Art Criticism & Writing from the School of Visual Arts. Cruz is currently pursuing a PhD in German Studies at Rutgers University. She teaches at Sarah Lawrence College.